Goodbye

Everyone,

I have been through unimaginable things.
I have lost nearly everyone I love.
I have been falsely accused of crimes I never committed and despite NO PROOF and NO CONVICTION, have had my life ruined by it.
I have had a whole life stolen from me.
And yet none of those things are what broke my spirit.
Like my father before me, I apparently just can not pick women.
I spent the few several years loving Amal with all my heart.
When I told her I was killing myself, she made no real effort for me.
She did not apologize for how she has treated me.
She did not reassure me that she loves me.
She did not help me carry the relationship.
She called me several times to hurt me more and remind me she will only ever put her feelings first, even over my life.
She spent the last year treating me like an enemy, making me feel more hated than I have ever felt, and breaking my spirit.
We had many good times. I loved her. I supported her. I believed in her. I loved her.
I gave her whatever I had, even when I had little to give.
But it was never enough. Never.
In the end she would say I never gave her anything.
She would say I never listen since she must never be wrong.
My hurt never seemed to matter ever.
Somehow no matter what proof I offered, it was still my fault because the truth would hurt her, so that made it evil.
The past 24 hours have been the worst and I no longer believe she loves me or will commit to me.
I survived so much, but this is really the final straw for me and I hope some of you can understand.
My life with her was the last thing I was willing to keep fighting for.
I should have ended it so long ago. There was so much less damage to my heart and soul then.
To anyone who cared, I am sorry I couldn’t keep going.
Please respect my last wishes.
01. Take care of my babies’ ashes. (Yellow bin in my room.)
02. Please take care of Peanut. Please. She will be so hurt and confused. She is easy to take care of and wonderful. She deserves happiness.
03. Please cremate me and keep the ashes with my babies. You can put us all in one urn if you want. I just want to be with my family.
Do with my things as you see fit. There is a will if you can find it.
Please remember me fondly and don’t let my exhaustion poison your memory of how strong I have been.
I have just been through too much now.
And the world is just too dark.
If you are hurt or angered by this, please forgive me.
But for once, just this once, I must be selfish.
I’m done.

Amal,

I did nothing to deserve this.
But facts and morality will never matter to you more than your feelings.
In the end, you wouldn’t even let me speak my last words without interrupting me. How sad…
Amal, if you are reading this, know that my last thoughts will be “Why didn’t I matter enough to you?”.
You have broken my heart completely and I am unwilling to try to put it back together this time.
You win.

I loved you and always will.

Your Marky